...continued from yesterday's story
The Only Patch of Ice in the Entire Parking Lot
At least I know where I got it from. We laughed at my dad, but fate still had a few good cards up her sleeve. I should have known better.
When I worked for UPS, a group of us took driver training so we could work as fill-in drivers and make extra money. Part of the training required that we attend a course that was held in Toronto, at the UPS hub near the Humber Valley. When we got there, every main parking lot was full, so we were told to park in an auxiliary lot on the other side of the valley and walk over.
It was a surprisingly long walk and we were late, so we were really moving. We'd worked from 3 am to 8 am, then driven to Toronto, so we were tired and somewhat giddy. All we needed to burst into hysterical laughter was one good joke or one good pratfall.
I was hustling up the hill between two of my work mates when someone noticed mud. "Careful of the mud!" was shouted. We picked our way carefully up to the crest of the hill, avoiding the muddy path. As I got to the top, the earth fell away from under my feet.
Even the best drunken Ukrainian folk dancer could not have performed the flailing back flip I pulled off. I made Bruce Campbell's back flip in Evil Dead 2 look amateurish. I actually rotated one and a half turns, then twisted so my backside would take the brunt of the hit.
Incredibly, my landing was soft. It was soft because my butt impacted a small puddle of mud, just the right size for my rear end to fit into snugly. I landed with my ass wedged into a muddy hole and my legs sticking up over my head.
My colleagues lost it. "Hey," I said, "could someone help me out here." They laughed harder. "Come on guys." Hoots and hollers ensued. "My ass is getting really wet." They collapsed. One of them pointed at the ground nearby and in between sobbing gaps and giggles asked, "Didn't you see the banana?"
The look on my face must have been priceless because it set off a whole new round of helpless laughter. Everyone was laughing so hard, no one had the strength to pull me up. I pried myself out of the hole and checked out my pants. They were soaked through, a brown circle on the ass of my jeans, my underwear soaked through.
I looked down and saw that indeed, there was a banana peel. I had managed to step on the only banana peel in the entire Humber Valley that just happened to be next to a mud puddle that just happened to be the size of my rear end. I accepted my fate and continued walking stoically towards the building.
As we were leaving the accident site, I picked up the banana peel and threw it far away from the puddle. "There," I thought, "now no one else will suffer my fate."
Oh, what a sad silly boob I was.
I got through the course, including the road training, despite my brown, wet pants. We finished up the day and, utterly exhuasted, headed back towards the car. Somebody told me to watch out for the mud puddle and the giggling started again. When we got to the hole, it had dried and formed a perfect impression of my jean covered ass. CSI could have used it as evidence. Everyone started howling. I tromped off down the hill miserably.
That's when I stepped on the banana peel again.
I ended up on my face, my nose full of bulrushes, my butt over my head and my legs flailing in the air. I scrambled to my feet, looked down and saw the offending banana peel, exactly where it had landed when I'd thrown it.
I was stunned. "You gotta be ****ing kidding me." I said.
My colleagues lost it completely. I have never heard anyone laugh so hard in my life. I shook my head and walked away.
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